Shinobi Afterlife
by smartcat
Summary: Itachi awakens in the afterlife and is met with a surprise. Pure nonsense really. Read at your own volition!


**I found this in my fanfiction folder as I was perusing through my things. I must have forgotten about this oneshot completely. But I think it's what gave rise to my other story 'Meddlesome Jutsu.' So I decided to post it up anyway for anyone who wanted to give it a quick read.**

**Just pure nonsense really.**

**Enjoy!**

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~~Shinobi Afterlife~~

Itachi lethargically opened his eyes and found himself staring into the angry male faces of the deceased Uchiha clan.

"Why hello, Itachi." Fugaku greeted icily.

"Oh, fuck me," grumbled Itachi as he saw the men pick up long swords.

"Payback sucks, doesn't it?"

With war cries ringing from their lips, the men of the Uchiha clan thrust their unsheathed swords into Itachi. Not a scream left the Uchiha's mouth as his world turned to darkness once more.

When he finally came too, Itachi found himself lying on a carpeted floor with hundreds of swords stuck in his chest. He sat up stiffly and slowly began pulling the bloodied blades out of himself.

"Hey, Fugaku," a voice blared, "Your moron of a son is awake!"

Itachi turned his head and found himself staring at Jiraiya, the legendary sannin. The legendary _dead_ sannin.

"Where am I?"

"You," Fugaku said from a few feet away, "Are in the Shinobi Afterlife, you moron."

"What?"

"You're dead dipshit."

Itachi whirled his head around to see who had spoken and was shocked to find Deidara and Sasori sitting on a plush red couch.

"So I'm dead?"

"And six feet under," Fugaku said.

"Wonderful."

"Fugaku!" A voice yelled from another room. All heads turned to find Minato Namikaze running at them full force. His eyes were narrowed into slits and his teeth were bared slightly, "Get my son out of your perverted offspring's head!"

A loud panting filled the room. Itachi tried to locate where the sound was coming from.

"Sasuke is doing it again? What, this is like the third time today!" Jiraiya threw his hands in the air in disbelief.

"What is going on?" Itachi questioned.

"This is all your fault," Fugaku seethed, "If you hadn't killed us all, Sasuke would have never turned out this way."

"What way? His emo-I'm-going-to-kill-everyone way?"

"No," Deidara smirked and stood from his seat, crossing over to stand before Itachi, "Your little brother is a flaming homosexual."

Itachi's mouth dropped open, "There's no way that could be possible! I left him to revive our clan!"

"Come see for yourself then," Fugaku grabbed Itachi by his collar and pulled his eldest son towards the room Minato had come from. The rest of the group followed in as well. Itachi was thrust into a large theater room. His eyes widened as he saw what was displayed on the movie screen. In a bed lay his younger brother, his eyes closed and mouth slightly open as he panted. Sasuke's hand was moving quickly up and down the length of his engorged cock. Itachi clapped his hands to his ears as he heard his brother utter Naruto's name.

"Make him stop!" Minato screeched, his face red.

"I can't!" Fugaku bellowed, "Believe me if I could, I would do so in a heartbeat! This is embarrassing!"

"I think this is hilarious," chuckled Deidara.

The blond man quickly silenced his laughter as he was thrown piercing glares from nearly all occupants of the theater.

"This isn't my fault," Itachi said. He tried to avert his eyes from his brother's cock, but was finding the muscles in his eyes not quite doing what his brain was so desperately instructing them to do.

"Well, it kind of is," Jiraiya said with his arms crossed. "I think half the blame is on you and the other half is…well on Kakashi."

"Kakashi." Fugaku and Minato repeated in a deadly tone.

"When I get my hands on that white haired man I'm going to rip him a new one!" Fugaku bellowed.

Sasuke's voice grew louder as the raven haired boy approached his climax.

Minato paled.

"Where is the remote?" He whispered hoarsely, "Damn it! Who has the blasted remote? We need to switch the channel! Hurry before it's too late!"

The dead shinobi scattered across the large theater looking for the shiny black remote that would let them switch the channel onto another male member of the shinobi force. The group searched frantically as Sasuke's pants grew breathier.

"_Oh N-Naruto…yeah you l-like that? Ah y-yes you l-like th-that don't you?"_

"Oh my god just someone find the remote!" Minato yelled.

Just then, Zabuza entered the theater room. He took one look at the screen before groaning, "Again? Fugaku, he's at it again? This is the third time today! I'm trying to get some sleep, and it's kind of hard to do so when your son's sexed panting is echoing throughout the men's compound!"

"We're looking for the remote," Jiraiya called from across the room, "We're trying to change the channel. Help us look."

"The remote?" Zabuza quirked an eyebrow, "You're joking, right?"

"What do you mean?" Minato said hoarsely, "D-Don't tell m-me…"

"He said he'd give it back in a couple of months…something about changing a couple of programs or something."

"Just because he was the first Hokage, doesn't give him the right to take away the remote!" Minato wailed.

"Oh dear god," Fugaku turned his head from the screen as his son gave a loud moan, releasing himself into his hand.

Minato gave an agonizing cry as he fell to his feet, "Took away the remote? He took away the fucking remote? I'm going to have to listen to _this_ for the rest of my miserable existence?"

"Oh shut up," Fugaku grumbled.

Itachi plopped into a chair and continued watching the screen. If he just pretended that the guy wasn't his brother…then this was actually kind of hot. It was like free porn. He smiled to himself. _I guess the afterlife isn't going to be so bad after all._

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**Reviews and Favs are greatly appreciated!**


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